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telarynSPN Meta – or “Why I don’t think John Winchester was a bastard.”
Follow me for a thousand or so words into the head of one John Winchester – pater familias to two of the most gorgeous boys ever to grace my television screen. Last night we discovered that he fathered a boy neither Sam nor Dean ever knew existed. He protected Adam, gave him the attention any child deserves from their father (whenever he was able to be around, of course). Granted it was probably less than a decade that he had an established presence in the kid’s life – but in that time he made more of an effort to be a “Dad” than he ever could with his own sons.
Think about SPN canon from John’s perspective, for a moment. He is ripped out of the cozy, “normal” suburban life that Mary always wanted them to build together in the worst way possible. He loses his wife to something that would drive most people so far around the bend they would never find their way back.
Except he can’t lose control. He can’t even grieve properly. He has two small boys – Mary’s boys – to raise and protect. He failed her. He can’t fail them.
Raising a four year old and a six month old can be daunting with two parents and under the best of circumstances. Violently widowed, looking over his shoulder, and trying to figure out how to fight back against the thing that tore his life away…these are hardly the best of circumstances. Honestly, the fact that Sam didn’t spend time diapered with paper towels as an infant is yet one more thing he owes to Dean. At least John had already been through raising an infant, and if he didn’t actually do the work himself, he probably watched while Mary did it. Enough to figure out the particulars, and to ask the few women drifting in and out of his life for help when he was stuck.
One of the truest things about being a parent – not just a single parent – is that you need a break from being Mommy or Daddy. Preferably on a semi-regular basis. This means that you can blow off the steam that it’s inappropriate to release around your children, and you can remember what it means to be *you*.
Hunts were really the only time John ever got these breaks – and we learned earlier this season that John Winchester was as far from a hunter as it’s possible to get. That’s one of the reasons why Mary loved him.
Until Kate calls and tells him he has a son, and that son wants to meet him.
From John’s perspective, can you imagine how seductive that kind of “do-over” would be? He has a son, the son is normal, a reasonably together teenager, and he has a mother who John has no intention of putting in the line of fire. Given all those factors, how could he not seize at the chance to redeem the “father” part of him – to prove to himself, if not the world, that with a proper set of circumstances he might have been all right at the job?
It’s the extra drink, the extra piece of chocolate after dinner. John took all the appropriate precautions to protect Kate and Adam; I can definitely see where he would grab these stolen moments for himself with an idea of “who am I really hurting anyway?” He gave up so much when he lost Mary – I think he can be forgiven for being at least a little selfish in this matter.
And let’s not forget – he thought killing Azazel would bring an end to it. Even if he didn’t expect to survive, I think he (foolishly) thought that Sam and Dean would be free at that point to find normal lives for themselves. Okay, so he never stopped to consider that they had no way of figuring out how to do that…we’ve already established the man is far from perfect.
It was too late for Sam and Dean. It was always going to be too late, from the moment that nursery went up in flames. Tragic? Absolutely. Even if John had taken them to every baseball game he could, I don’t think he could have changed that. Not without letting go of his need for revenge, and his need to protect his boys.
And if he could do that, he wouldn’t be John Winchester.
Follow me for a thousand or so words into the head of one John Winchester – pater familias to two of the most gorgeous boys ever to grace my television screen. Last night we discovered that he fathered a boy neither Sam nor Dean ever knew existed. He protected Adam, gave him the attention any child deserves from their father (whenever he was able to be around, of course). Granted it was probably less than a decade that he had an established presence in the kid’s life – but in that time he made more of an effort to be a “Dad” than he ever could with his own sons.
Think about SPN canon from John’s perspective, for a moment. He is ripped out of the cozy, “normal” suburban life that Mary always wanted them to build together in the worst way possible. He loses his wife to something that would drive most people so far around the bend they would never find their way back.
Except he can’t lose control. He can’t even grieve properly. He has two small boys – Mary’s boys – to raise and protect. He failed her. He can’t fail them.
Raising a four year old and a six month old can be daunting with two parents and under the best of circumstances. Violently widowed, looking over his shoulder, and trying to figure out how to fight back against the thing that tore his life away…these are hardly the best of circumstances. Honestly, the fact that Sam didn’t spend time diapered with paper towels as an infant is yet one more thing he owes to Dean. At least John had already been through raising an infant, and if he didn’t actually do the work himself, he probably watched while Mary did it. Enough to figure out the particulars, and to ask the few women drifting in and out of his life for help when he was stuck.
One of the truest things about being a parent – not just a single parent – is that you need a break from being Mommy or Daddy. Preferably on a semi-regular basis. This means that you can blow off the steam that it’s inappropriate to release around your children, and you can remember what it means to be *you*.
Hunts were really the only time John ever got these breaks – and we learned earlier this season that John Winchester was as far from a hunter as it’s possible to get. That’s one of the reasons why Mary loved him.
Until Kate calls and tells him he has a son, and that son wants to meet him.
From John’s perspective, can you imagine how seductive that kind of “do-over” would be? He has a son, the son is normal, a reasonably together teenager, and he has a mother who John has no intention of putting in the line of fire. Given all those factors, how could he not seize at the chance to redeem the “father” part of him – to prove to himself, if not the world, that with a proper set of circumstances he might have been all right at the job?
It’s the extra drink, the extra piece of chocolate after dinner. John took all the appropriate precautions to protect Kate and Adam; I can definitely see where he would grab these stolen moments for himself with an idea of “who am I really hurting anyway?” He gave up so much when he lost Mary – I think he can be forgiven for being at least a little selfish in this matter.
And let’s not forget – he thought killing Azazel would bring an end to it. Even if he didn’t expect to survive, I think he (foolishly) thought that Sam and Dean would be free at that point to find normal lives for themselves. Okay, so he never stopped to consider that they had no way of figuring out how to do that…we’ve already established the man is far from perfect.
It was too late for Sam and Dean. It was always going to be too late, from the moment that nursery went up in flames. Tragic? Absolutely. Even if John had taken them to every baseball game he could, I don’t think he could have changed that. Not without letting go of his need for revenge, and his need to protect his boys.
And if he could do that, he wouldn’t be John Winchester.
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